Val Sivilli


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Fearless. After trying to create my first book with fear less ness as it’s premise, and realizing that the stupid cartoony character that I drew with her legs up in the air was just a dopey attempt at mimicking the Egon schiele work thAt I saw yesterday at the neue galerie, stealing him badly, I realiZed something I did not want to realize. I need to draw myself with my legs up on the air vulva a-blazing. SHIT!!!! Really? Wtf. But it is the only logical next step. Jeez. Help me get through this one.


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VOICE : IN-Toxicating

What does it mean to have a voice? To use that voice.  To sing. To yell. To whisper lovely sweet things into someone’s ear.  I wonder about my voice. Is it too loud? Is it too mumbly? As with most other people, I abhor hearing my voice recorded anywhere. It’s almost impossible to tolerate. Why is this?

We hear ourselves from the inside all out lives.. see ourselves from the inside all our lives, and have such a hard time coming to terms with what seeing ourselves from the outside. Narcissism & self Hatred?

One of the Car Guys died yesterday. I remember his laugh. I remember that I always thought that he laughed too much and somewhat inappropriately.  Ultimately, be was a bit off center. Was he? If he died from complications from Alzheimers, how long were we listening to someone with symptoms?  I just listened to a show… was it and old show? Much of the time, I was laughing with him, but much of the time I was wishing he would just put a lid on it. Obviously, it did not keep me from listening to the car guys. But that little level of aggravation was always beneath the surface while I was listening. I have to admit, though I am feeling really guilty and unloving about that now, I did turn the radio when the laughing got ridiculous.

Infectious laughter. Or insane laughter.

In trying to find a word in English that represents fearlessness, without the invocation of fear, or the implication of bravery or courage. But rather simply. “Without Fear”.  Peter Cambell posted on Facebook this:

“Nature abhors a vacuum and so apparently does the English language! Difficult to convey the lack of an emotion without either referencing that emotion or it’s opposite (in this case – bravery). I Googled your question and did find an interesting article however that was titled “The Absence of Fear is Mental Illness” suggesting of course that we all experience fear and it’s perfectly natural and in many cases necessary!”

Fearlessness is Insanity. So, maybe being a bit crazy is a place to let go of fear. A little bit, like a little bit of anything really dangerous can be really intoxicating.